Monday, November 26, 2012

Coming off Hiatus

Hey there everyone. It's been months since I've made a post here, mainly because the world happened, and I had a ton of other things that needed my attention. In the time that I've been gone, I've written a bunch of stuff for Cracked, including six of their new article format, "Quick Fixes." They also made me a workshop moderator, which is great fun. I've also started writing for a site called Ranker, and my profile there should be linked to in my sidebar shortly.

That's basically all I have for you guys right now, but don't worry. Expect new and big things to be happening soon. Very soon.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Let's Get Serious: A Batmanabonanza

Okay everyone, I'd like to talk to you all about a very serious subject for a change: Batman.

So, before you all ask "why so serious?" and lapse into a giggle fit about how clever you are, let me remind you that the third installment in Christopher Nolan's beautifully dark Batman series is coming out very, very soon. And that shit is serious.

I know what you're all wondering, because as an avid fan of all things Batman, I'm wondering it myself: How is this series going to end? Or even more importantly, how in the hell is Anne Hathaway going to play a convincing Catwoman?

Look at your future Catwoman. Look her in the eyes and despair.

There are a million questions that The Dark Knight Rises  is going to have to answer. Chief among them: What is going to happen to Bruce Wayne? Does he keep on being Batman? And when the hell is Alfred going to be institutionalized?

"We burned the forest down." ~ No sane person, ever.

I'm sure that whatever Nolan churns out will be fantastic, but there's a way that I want the series to end. A way that I would end it if I were writing it. It's also a way that definitely won't happen, because Chris Nolan said so.

You see, in the first movie, we got the origin story. The start of Batman. Then, in The Dark Knight, we saw him falter and question if being Batman was really doing the right thing, and at the end, he regains confidence in himself and his actions. In the third movie, I think we should see the end of Batman. 

And there's only one character from the Batman universe that can do that:

That's right. Robin. I said it.

Think about it for a second. You could even keep Bane as the main villain. In the comics, Bane was the first villain to ever seriously injure Batman (by breaking his back). What if Batman and Bane fight at the very beginning of the movie, and Bane seriously injures Batman, who needs to take serious time to recuperate. 

This would shake his faith in himself a bit. I mean, he's Batman. He doesn't get hurt. But more importantly, it would make him realize that his body physically will not allow him to be Batman forever. One day, he's going to have to hang up the cape and bat ears. And then what? Who will protect Gotham?

"Master Wayne, I'll burn the villains down."

Shortly after he heals from his injuries, Bruce could attend a large circus that has come to the city. He's a philanthropist, so maybe the circus could be raising money for one of his charities. Anyway, during one of the acts, there is a terrible accident and two of the trapeze artists are killed-- and accident that their son, Dick Grayson miraculously survives. But Bruce is Batman. He sees that it was no accident and that the act was sabotaged. (A mob boss was trying to extort money from the circus by killing off it's performers. Hell, maybe that's why Bruce is there: to catch him in the act.)

So the mob boss sends his henchmen after Dick outside the circus tent to finish the job, and BAM! He gets saved by Batman. Bruce, who can relate to this boy losing his parents at a young age, takes him in.

The eyes of  a man that cares.

So, the rest of the movie would consist of Bruce training Dick to be Robin and the two of them eventually defeating Bane together. Then the movie could close on the idea that, yes, Batman can't be Batman forever, but now there is someone to take his place when he his gone. All of a sudden, the series doesn't end with "Batman saves the day again, and will continue to do so indefinitely. Possibly until the end of time." Instead, this movie has closure.

And that, my friends, is a movie that I would watch. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Spencer's Chronicles: The Final Chronicle

This will be the final entry in my short-lived series: The Spencer's Chronicles. Why? Because my job there was seasonal, and now that the holidays are over, they don't need as many workers any more-- which sucks, since this is the only job I've ever had that registered lower on the "Things I'd Hate To Do" meter than sticking my hand in a reciprocating saw.

I just hope I can find another job before I need to resort to making my own clothing and eating only what I can kill. You don't want to see me chasing a rabbit around my front yard with a golf club.... naked. Trust me, there are better ways to damage your retinas.

Like staring into the sun for instance.

The most beautiful way to liquify your eyeballs.

Getting back to Spencer's, do any of you know what a plasma ball is? And before you say it, I know that you just looked at a picture of the sun, which is literally a ball of plasma. Way to be a smart ass.

No, a plasma ball is a product that we sell at Spencer's. You've certainly seen one before:

It's a glass ball that uses electricity and noble gases to make you feel like Emperor Palpatine for a couple seconds. You can't really harness the energy to smite your enemies, but science is trying.

I can't tell you how to do anything dangerous with a plasma ball. That would be irresponsible.  So I'm not going to tell you that if you place a penny on top of one and hold a pointy, metal object close to it you will cause the electricity to arc through the air. I won't tell you, but I'll certainly show you.

Putting myself in harm's way-- for science!

But I digress. Just before Christmas, two women were in Spencer's looking at our plasma balls. We have three kinds: the one you see above, one where the orb in the very center is a peace sign, and one where that orb is a marijuana leaf. I overheard a very small portion of their conversation and it went like this:

Woman #1: "Should we get him the peace sign one?"

Woman #2: "I think he would like it, but I don't know if his parents are into all that hippie stuff. What will they think when he opens it on Christmas morning?"

Woman #1: Yeah, you're right. Ooooh! I know! Let's get him the snowflake one!

Woman #2: Yeah! That's a good idea.

Now, my level-minded readers, go back and re-read the three types of plasma ball that we sell. Did I say "snowflake?"

Pictured: Not a snowflake.

They bought it. I can only imagine what that house was like on Christmas morning when little Johnny opened his present from grandma and shrieked: "Oh boy! A snowflake!"

And I love to think about the mortified look on his parents' faces: his father staring with a mixture of anger and horror at his grandmother, and his mother attempting to appear like nothing was wrong saying: "Yes, Johnny. A snowflake. Say thank you to your grandmother."

But they never returned it, which means there's only one way it could've actually played out: Johnny's father smashed it over his grandmother's head in a fit of rage. Regardless of grandma's fate, the shattered plasma ball could never be returned.